Has your relationship lost the spark that it once had? Do you remember when you had butterflies in your tummy when the phone rang, hoping it was them? When you just couldn't wait to see them again? When their smell, smile or look in their eyes ...
Now you think to yourself?what happened? How did we lose that "lovin' feeling'? Where did it all go? You look at your partner and see all the things that are "wrong" with them. They don't smile any more?and neither do you. And?their smell?well they can go take a shower!
It's not uncommon to hear that the things that once turned each other on now turn each other off. What once was cute is now annoying. What once you tolerated is now intolerable.
Well, what did happen? Probably the very two things that destroy most relationships ? unfulfilled love strategies and a whole bunch of negative associations.
Let's talk about love strategies. What is a love strategy? It's what needs to happen in order for you to feel loved? How do you know what your love strategy is? Simple?just answer this question, "What needs to happen in order for me to feel loved?" Is it that simple? Well, it's a simple question, however the answer can be quite complex?depending on how many rules you have for being loved.
When talking with one couple have a challenging time in their relationship. I asked them that very question, "What needs to happen in order for you to feel loved?" The husband jokingly answered "She just needs to show up!" The truth behind his answer was that in order to feel loved she needed to act a certain way, do certain things, and say certain things. In other words he had a whole set of criteria that needed fulfilling in order for him to feel loved by her. In fact his rules were so limiting that there was no way that she could possibly meet these requirements?and so despite her best efforts to express her love to him he felt unloved by her. The wife answered this question with a long list of things and when we broke it down what she really needed in order to feel loved was his undivided attention. When we looked at how they were going about loving each other we quickly discovered that she was trying to express her love for him by telling him how much she loved him. She did this because that is how she felt loved ? when she had his attention and he told her he loved her ? but he rarely did that! He was trying to express his love for her by buying her gifts ? because he felt loved when she bought him things that he liked. Each of them were in the throws of the fatal mistake of expressing their love the way that they felt loved and their relationship was becoming increasingly distant.
So, find out what you need in order to feel loved. Get out a pen and paper and write it down. Be honest with yourself. Don't just write what you think sounds good ? write truly, really what needs to happen in order for you to feel loved. Discover if your rules are easy to fulfil or impossible to fulfil. If you discover that you have a whole heap of rules that make it impossible for you to feel loved then?guess what? Now you can get rid of them and look forward to feeling loved. He with the least rules is happiest!
Of course, you need some basic rules ? these will probably be what you can't do without ? things that are aligned with what you truly value. For example: if you value honesty then a rule that you have may be that you always tell the truth to one another; if you value monogamy, then your rule will be that you don't sleep around; if you value respect, then you may have a rule that you don't raise your voice or swear at each other. The harder your rules are to fulfil then the more likely your partner will break your rules and then you won't feel loved ? the connection and passion between you will begin to die.
If you want to keep that lovin' feeling have rules that are easy to fulfil and serve your values.
The next part is important - find out what your partner needs in order to feel loved.
* Do they feel loved when you do things for them?
* Do they feel loved when you tell them you love them?
* Do they feel loved when you buy them gifts?
* Do they feel loved when you touch them?
* Do they feel loved when you spend quality time with them?
Strike up a conversation with them about what they need in order to feel loved?and then, here's the thing?(as long as it doesn't compromise your values) do it for them! If a surprise bunch of flowers makes her feel loved then do it. If buying him something he loves does it?then go for it. If telling she's beautiful and you love her makes her eyes light up then there's your key to passion. If massaging his shoulders without being asked makes him relax then there's your pass to love.
In relationships, most couples don't do what it takes! They say "Well, when she?then I'll?" Each is waiting for the other to make an effort. Here is the big truth?this is NOT your practice relationship ? this is your relationship ? either you make an effort to make it work or not! It's up to you! Are you going to do what it takes?
We train people how to treat us. So, don't compromise on the things that matter most to you. If your partner does something to upset you let them know how you feel and ask them to find another way to relate to you. If you don't let them know that certain things are unacceptable to you then more than likely they will continue this behaviour until you can't bear it any more. Train each other how to fulfil each other's love strategies.
Apart from not knowing how to fulfil your partner's love strategy the next thing that will kill your relationship is negative associations. What does this mean? We unconsciously link certain emotions to specific things that our partner does. This works great if we link positive emotions to the things that they do?however, if we link a negative emotion to something that they do then even the smallest, insignificant thing can bring the relationship to a grinding halt. Notice when something your partner does excites an unreasonable reaction in you ? ask yourself "What is this really about?"
I was working with a couple who were at odds with one another and they didn't know why. We discovered that as soon as he came home and she asked him how his day was that he immediately disconnected from her. He had gone through tough time at work and had associated coming home and seeing her face with recalling his tough days and would automatically feel burdened and frustrated. It had nothing to do with her but unconsciously he had linked the two things together. They need to BREAK THE PATTERN. She decided to create some surprises for him for when he came home ? and their relationship flourished.
What patterns do you need to break? What is zapping the passion from your relationship? Find fun and creative ways to sever these links so that you can have your relationship explode with passion.
Finally what does it ultimately take to have passion in your relationship?
It takes you BEING passionate!
If you want passion then be passionate ? BE, DO, HAVE ? be passionate, do passionate things and have passion.
Make that decision now and commit to being passionate. Find out what your partner needs to feel love and passion. Break the patterns that are holding you back and create new loving, passionate patterns. This IS your relationship NOW ? create it the way you want it.
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Rebel Lorenz is a Director of CoachNetwork.net - a global network of the highest calibre coaches & speakers and self coaching programmes. She provides one-on-one coaching and consultations, and group presentations, combining the best of the field of counselling with NLP based coaching to deliver unique, client centred, wholistic consultations—empowering the client with health, life and change management skills.
What Attracts a Man to a Woman
SPRUCE up your appearance ladies and take grooming very, very seriously. Let us not blame women who go in for asset-enhancing techniques anymore. For, where a man is concerned, nothing seems to have changed so far as his mating instincts go. He is still the visual creature he was many centuries ago - appearances are all to him!!
And even with appearance, he goes straight for the jugular - those aspects that signify a woman's sexuality are most attractive to him. For a man, the seduction game is all about sex, sex and more sex. Only then comes - even more sex! A woman might as well accept this and be resigned to the fact that it's the sex appeal she oozes that scores over all other attributes she may possess - mental, emotional, spiritual, whatever.
Evolution has geared men to look for facial sexual signals. Research shows men are most attracted to a childlike face, for this arouses their paternal instincts to touch and protect. With eyes, men world over go for the large, luminescent variety. When a woman is attracted to a man, her pupils dilate. Contact lenses give the impression of glistening eyes and permanent dilation of pupils. And sure enough, studies reveal that men find women with contact lenses very sexy! Lips, if we are to believe Freud and zoologists, are an outer manifestation of a woman's sexuality and fill with blood and swell up when she is excited. Men find full, sensual lips attractive. Do you wonder at the silicon injects women undergo to get the bee-bitten swollen look?
For the rest, men find a woman with long neck and long hair more appealing. Long necks signify gender difference, while long hair indicates good health and so potential to produce healthy offspring.
Coming to body shape, a man's ideal for women is a waist-hip ratio of about 70 per cent - and this ratio is actually an indicator of high fertility in a woman. All men love breasts and cleavage, and find a rounded, protruding behind attractive - a symbol of fertility since time immemorial. So, ok, with a man, looks do matter. And how! To the extent that over time, women's bodies have evolved as sexual signals to beckon men!
However, things are different when a man is looking for a long-term partner. Unlike women, men, with their age-old hunting instincts, know exactly what they are looking for when their search for a partner begins. And, a man makes a difference between short-term and long-term partners, with criteria for both differing.
If it is a fling or a one-night stand he is looking for, he looks out for women who are provocatively dressed, sexy and a little drunk and loud. If she doesn't drink, confesses a male colleague, forget about it! You aren't in luck that night. For a short-term affair, she must also be friendly and warm into the bargain.
However, if a man is looking for a long-term relationship, the criteria changes. Now he's looking for a beautiful girl, warm and friendly. She should be sexy but not overtly so - after all you wouldn't want a Mallika Sherawat as long-term girlfriend, would you, exclaims the colleague in horrified tones! She should be 'different' from others - warm, attractive and a good conversationalist. Research shows personality, good looks, brain and humour is a man's wish list in order of priority for a partner.
A man likes a woman to say positive things to him, ask questions about and show interest in whatever he does. Of course the one thing that puts him off is a woman who clings - is too needy and wanting all the time. A woman must give him his space. A trick the colleague shares is that the woman must keep withdrawing a bit and coming back again - so as to keep him on his toes. A man appreciates a slight aloofness over a clingy attitude.
If a man needs to appeal to a woman's vanity to be attractive to her, she needs to appeal to his ego if she is to make an impact on him. Most men are susceptible to compliments that boost their self-esteem. And nobody knows this better than a woman.
Give him single-minded attention, flirt with him, prod him on to talk about his day and work, make appropriately appreciative sounds at the right places and soon you will have him eating out of your hands. Till you keep him guessing, he will dance attendance; the moment he knows you are hooked, he will relax his guard and start taking you for granted. A man somehow is convinced that a woman dresses and grooms herself for him, though research shows women dress more for other women!
Men, however, draw a straight correlation between the amount of effort women take with their appearance and their interest in them. As a result, if somewhere along the line a woman stops looking after her appearance, a man sees it as a signal that he is no longer important to her!
And so, just like a man must never stop complimenting a woman, a woman must always look-after her appearance for her man's sake. If he must always pander to her vanity, she needs to pander to his ego. When a woman looks for a sense of humour in a man, she means he should be able to make her laugh; when he seeks a woman with a sense of humour, a man means she should be able to laugh at his jokes! While a woman looks for a bit of a scoundrel in a short-term relationship, he is looking for a bit of a vamp. However for long-term, both change criteria and look for more mind than matter! Now she seeks a guy with potential for moving ahead, while he looks for a good homemaker.
Sounds so clinical and unromantic, doesn't it? And yet, knowingly or unknowingly, it all boils down to just that! What's so different about the 21st century? Primal instincts are still as much at play beneath a veneer of civilization.
Michael Douglas is a relationship expert and the webmaster of www.loversmanual.com where he offers free dating tips for men on how to succeed with women and relationship advice for women to help them in building healthy relationship with men.
Secrets of Perfume Ingredients
Perfume today is produced mainly in laboratories but often relies on ancient ingredients. Some perfume ingredients still in use today are mentioned in ancient Egyptian texts and the Bible. Some of these ingredients had medicinal roles as well as aromatic properties which probably contributed to the belief-held until the mid-18th century-that perfume was as much a medicine as a cosmetic.
Mentioned in the Bible and other ancient texts, frankincense and myrrh were substances so valuable they rivaled even gold. Frankincense is a resin from a gum tree that is produced in shapes called "tears" when the bark of the scraggly Boswallia tree is disturbed. These trees are rare and grow mainly in arid Middle Eastern lands and require hand-harvesting, contributing to their exorbitant price.
Today, a fragrant product that uses frankincense is Love Butter by Carol's Daughter.
Myrrh, called a "bitter perfume" in the Christmas Carol "We Three Kings of Orient Are," is also used today. Myrrh is a gum resin produced from a bush-like desert plant. In Arabic, the name Myrrh means "bitter" and this burnt orange looking substance does indeed have a strong, bitter aroma. Originally used as incense, today Yves St. Laurent's Opium and Rage of the Seven Sinful Scents by Gendarme list myrrh as an ingredient.
Patchouli and sandalwood are both aromatic woods that come from Asia. Patchouli is grown in the East and West Indies while sandalwood comes from Nepal (about the farthest North it grows), India, Hawaii and Australia. While synthetics are often used today for these endangered woods, they have both been around for millennia as fragrance ingredients and have been prized for their healing properties.
The best-known patchouli scent on the market right now by far is Thierry Mugler's Angel. Mugler is a French perfumist and his unique Angel perfume is one of those love-it-or-hate-it kind of scents.
Sandalwood is used in aromatherapy and also does double-duty in the perfume world since it can serve as a fixative or anchor to other scents. Sandalwood has never really gone out of style. Today it's in lots of scents, including Dior Addict by Dior, Escada Magnetism, Hanae Mori Butterly, and the Cartier scent Delices de Cartier.
Amber has got to be one of the most surprising and unusual things that is put into perfume. People who hear that a perfume contains amber typically think of the golden resin used to make jewelry. Actually, that amber is not used in perfume making.
This amber is a short (and nicer-sounding) term for ambergris. Ambergris could be picked up along the coastline and was harvested this way for hundreds of years. It was a gray substance that beachcombers could pick up and sell to factories that used it for a variety of products. Since it had a very distinctive aroma, it was used in perfumery. Ambergris did not smell wonderful by itself, but it blended well with other ingredients and became a staple in perfume-making even before people knew what it was.
Even today, we don't really know what ambergris is, and perhaps we don't want to know. Sometime in the 19th century, it was known that this mysterious gray substance, which unpredictably appeared on the beaches of North America and other places, was associated with sperm whales. Today, it is thought that ambergris is a substance that sperm whales regurgitate after dining on their favorite meal of squid.
Be that as it may, amber in perfume today is synthetic stuff, made to mimic the scent of the original ambergris. Amber is found in Dolce and Gabbana's Light Blue, Vera Wang Princess, and Stella by Stella McCartney, to name a few.
As much as perfume relies on ancient ingredients, including plants (lavender), spices (cinnamon, cloves), flowers (roses, gardenias, honeysuckle, lilies) and fruits (orange, lemon, peach), it also relies on new ingredients.
The biggest "new thing" in perfume is the fact that today we live in a global village. Flowers indigenous to exotic lands can be easily obtained and put into perfume. We can now take advantage of Eastern spices, South Pacific flowers, North American musk, and Indian woods. Of course, much of this happens at the lab level, meaning in the form of synthetics. This helps preserve natural resources and makes perfume quality more uniform.
Another interesting new wrinkle in the perfume world occurred in the 1920s with the advent of a chemical substance called aldehyde. Aldehyde is a synthetic odor molecule but unlike other synthetics, this wasn't a fake anything. Aldehyde was artificial and not meant to mimic anything natural. It has a distinctive "sparkly" quality to it and is often mixed with florals. Probably the best known aldehyde scent in the world is the perennial favorite, Chanel No. 5. The creator of Chanel No. 5, Ernst Breaux, also created Evening in Paris, a much more difficult scent to find, but another one that uses sparkling aldehyde notes.
Today, we've added to our roster of synthetics plus we've blended more and more exotic ingredients together. Technology has also allowed us to capture unusual scents in perfume-you can find perfumes today listing "ozone" as an element or "chocolate."
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Joanna McLaughlin is a freelance fragrance writer who jots down her notes in a cool notepad called "Confessions of a Perfumista." Want one? Get yours at http://www.cafepress.com/perfume-reporter while supplies last. You can also check out Joanna's blog at http://www.perfumecrazy.blogspot.com . Her favorite scent today is Storm by Niel Morris.
